DEAR ABBY: My first wife died of colon cancer 25 years ago. She was extremely brave and fought hard for two years, but in the end, it was a blessing when her suffering ended. I remarried 20 years ago, and my second wife has now been diagnosed with the same cancer. When the diagnosis came back, I have to admit my first reaction was to want to run away because I didn't want to go through that again.

I know I can't run away, but the fear and anxiety are overpowering. I have considered suicide but will do that only if my wife dies. I can't live with this pain for longer than that. I know I should see a counselor, but right now my wife is the one who needs the attention. My world is in turmoil. I don't think I can work effectively. I'm lost. I don't even know what to ask of you, but if you have any suggestions, I would gladly heed them. -- WOEFUL IN THE WEST

DEAR WOEFUL: I am sorry about your wife's diagnosis and the overwhelming stress you are experiencing. But it is very important that you and your wife remember there have been many advances in the treatment of cancer that didn't exist a quarter of a century ago. For both your sakes, talk with her oncologist about what her treatment options are and how you can support her during them.

Caregiver support groups could be helpful for you if you choose to contact them. You will find them at cancer.org, the American Cancer Society's website. Please give it a try and let me know how you are doing. Suicide is not the answer to your problem. Your wife's life -- and yours -- are precious. She needs you, and that has to be of primary importance. If your suicidal thoughts continue, I urge you to contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. The number to call is 800-273-8255.

DEAR ABBY: I have what I think is the opposite problem that many adult children have. My father doesn't want to spend holidays with me or my sister. I've noticed this trend in the last few years, and it is really painful to accept.

When I told him I was going to my uncle's house last Christmas because I wanted to be around people who wanted me to be there, he agreed it was a good idea. His response crushed my soul. He then expressed that holidays aren't really that much fun, that he doesn't enjoy traveling and that we fight during them.

I'm trying to accept that he doesn't want to spend the holidays with us, and somehow not feel rejected. It's a struggle to feel loved by him. Any advice? -- UNWANTED ADULT CHILD IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR UNWANTED: Many people feel stressed at holiday time, particularly when things don't go as planned. Make plans to get together with your father that do not involve holidays. Because traveling is hard for him, make alternative plans with him so he won't feel stressed when you visit him. If that doesn't make things easier for both of you, arrange to spend these holidays with more welcoming friends or relatives in the future.

DEAR ABBY: My stepdaughter, "Crystal," has a toxic relationship with her mother. Both have battled alcoholism. The mother did some extreme damage that has ended the possibility of Crystal regaining custody of her 6-year-old son. My husband and I hired a lawyer to help her fight for her rights, and we have brought her to our home twice. The last time was right out of the hospital after she nearly killed herself with alcohol poisoning.

Fast-forward: Crystal is trying to mend her relationship with her mother, and now we have become second fiddle. What used to be a daily phone conversation happens now only when I call. When we try to visit them, they make excuses, and they have visited us only twice in the last six months. Her latest plan is to stay overnight with us and spend the following day with her mom.

We are swallowing our pride so we can see our 6-month-old granddaughter, but our feelings are so hurt. Please help me take the high road. Do we talk to her or just feel crushed? -- WOUNDED IN MICHIGAN

DEAR WOUNDED: Your troubled stepdaughter is trying to mend fences with her mother. Try not to take personally that she has tunnel vision right now. I do not think you should address this with her at this time. Let more time elapse, and if her distancing continues, talk to her about it then.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I live in southern Florida. My problem is our children, grandchildren and their spouses. When they come to visit, they only eat certain foods and need "healthy this" and "healthy that." I feel like we're being used as a hotel and restaurant. I want to see them, but it is becoming exhausting. What should I do? -- ROLLING BACK THE WELCOME MAT

DEAR ROLLING: Roll back that welcome mat. Talk to your children, grandchildren and their spouses. They may not realize the extent to which they have been imposing on you. Tell them that if they have special dietary requirements, they should buy their own foods, and you will make room in the refrigerator to accommodate them. If their presence in your home is becoming too taxing, provide a list of affordable hotels or rentals in the area they might consider.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 91-year-old, 4-foot-8 woman who still drives and goes alone to shop and conduct business. My problem is I am frequently approached by strangers who want to "help" me. This frightens me because I cannot defend myself. While someone holding a door open for me is appreciated, I have no way to identify a purse snatcher who may intend to knock me down. How can I communicate that I'm capable of caring for myself without offending the person? -- GREAT-GRANDMOTHER IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR GREAT-GRANDMOTHER: You are not the only senior who has expressed these feelings. Look the person in the eye and say firmly, "I know you mean well and thank you, but NO THANK YOU. I prefer to do this myself."

DEAR ABBY: I am a 19-year-old trans man. I told my mother years ago, and while she hasn't stopped me from transitioning, she's wholly unsupportive. Despite telling her my new name and pronouns, she refuses to refer to me that way even when we are alone. (I can't tell the rest of my family; they would disown me.)

Every time I bring it up, she gets quiet or changes the subject. I love her and she loves me, but it breaks my heart to see her ignore who I am, and I know she won't back me up if the rest of my family finds out. I feel hopeless. What do I do to make her understand? -- TRUE SELF IN GEORGIA

DEAR TRUE SELF: Parents usually want to protect their children. They can also be misinformed or confused about the issue of being a trans person. The announcement may be hard to accept because many individuals have known they're trans for a long time but hesitated to tell others, including their parents. The revelation can be awkward and challenging to respond to with patience, love and care.

Take your mom to a PFLAG meeting, if she's willing to go. It can make a huge difference for parents, and it's what I recommend for you. To find a local chapter, visit pflag.org/find. PFLAG booklets like "Our Trans Loved Ones" or "Guide to Being a Trans Ally" could be enlightening for her (and you).

For your own emotional support, find community that is accepting and affirming -- PFLAG, a faith community or a transmasculine support group -- to gain confidence and safety. And do not underestimate the power of "chosen family." Create a plan to get your life in order if your family can't be accepting. There are people who will love and care for anyone whose family can't love them. Seek them out.

While it may be challenging, look toward community gathering spaces and meetup groups. People are there; it may just take a bit more work to find them. Consider starting the search in a nearby larger town or city to find out who else travels there for support, or to find a safe space to explore away from home to gain a broader perspective.

Stay safe. Educate yourself about resources online (affirming communities, crisis and emergency hotlines, state laws and rules). Planning ahead is something people forget most often about the transition process. I wish you only the best.

DEAR ABBY: I may stop going to an auto mechanic I have used for several years because of mistakes he made diagnosing problems on my daughter's friend's car. He advised her to get another car, but a different mechanic replaced the spark plugs and the catalytic converter, and the car is fine. Should I tell him why I'm not coming back or just drive off into the sunset and let it go? -- FIXING TO CHANGE IN OHIO

DEAR FIXING: Let it go. If the mechanic contacts you and asks why he hasn't seen you, tell him the truth -- that you no longer trust his judgment after the bum steer he gave your daughter's friend.

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